Manipulation is a powerful and cruel means to have your way over someone. It takes a selfish, heartless human to think they have the right and self-worth to influence ones thoughts and actions to get what they want. To lie to another’s face, put down and guilt another to lift yourself up and to have such skill to do it, day in, day out when the another doesn’t even realise.
When you have to watch and change your behaviour around your partner (or by anyone for that matter) something is seriously wrong. Sounds like a straight forward obvious statement right?? Well when you are so far deep into a situation or relationship first of all, you lose clarity, second of all you’re so far in and you can’t get out. It’s scary and then to think about where to even start, what to do or what to say.
The problem is with ex, he didn’t just manipulate me. He was controlling, easily jealous and paranoid. He had anger issues that he couldn’t control and there was no reasoning with this man. I was always wrong. Again I am not saying I am perfect! I had my fair share of ugly behaviour that I am not proud of! And there is always 3 sides to every story, to every fight. Ex also did his fair share of honourable behaviour for me and our children. I mean can he be all bad, when it was us together that adopted our nephews?
But that’s not what this blog is about. We are talking about manipulation. I want all men and woman that are reading this to think, have you or do you ever make someone feel bad for being them, for dressing, acting or talking about something that you don’t agree with. Have you put them down? Gave them a bad look? A sigh? Or forcing them to change their opinion to match yours? If yes that’s part of manipulation. Making someone feel bad or worse, force them to change and do something for you to make you feel better.
You see, my rights as a female and a human were taken away from me. My freedom of speech was removed. I was manipulated to believe I was less of a person than him, that I was wrong to like things that may differ to him. Again, I am sitting here wondering how did this possibly happen. How I let him take my opinions, throughs, wants, desires and my voice away. I guess it’s when you hear things often enough; you just start to believe it. When the love of your life is looking you in the eyes, calling you names, telling you that you’re wrong or in the wrong; then you must be. I also think it was a bit of… giving up. Me giving up so slowly on myself, on us. Like it was just easier to give him what he wanted, to act how he wanted me too, to be his puppet on the strings. Because like I said, his thoughts and feelings were always more important than mine in every way.
Changing someone’s way of thinking is big and just makes you realise if adults can be so easily persuaded and manipulated it’s easy to see how children can be. Which just makes me sit here and smile and feel happiness deep within, that I got my babies out of that environment (eventually). See the issue is, I thought this man loved me. I thought he loved me more than anything, in love like head over heels, that “can’t live without” kind of love. But see it was probably true, he couldn’t live without me. Because narcissistic people need, they rely on empathic people to be with, to control. I was not his wife, I was an object, his possession. As long as he had me, to control and put down and to manipulate, he was on fire.
I was so focused on my future and getting ahead, with my career and finances, the happy ending that I thought one day we would have. I guess I thought that this is what it was to be a wife, a mother. The constant abuse, accusations, long days and short nights, high stress. The messed up thing is…. I thought I was happy. Happy in love, a happy wife, a happy mother. But when I think about it, 90% of the times when we had happy times, was when he wanted something. After a fight or he had done something wrong and he was sucking up, hooking me back in, manipulating me again. Ex was brilliant at making me his fool. Once again he would make me think he was sorry and that he was going to do better. Ex would make it up to me, by doing extra jobs at home, or fixing up something around the house or spending more time with the kids. Before I know it I had forget the bad stuff and would just be thinking how amazing he is, what a good dad he is and what a loving caring husband he is. And there’s that cycle I was talking about.
The thing about the cycle of violence and this learnt behaviour and constant manipulation is you find yourself craving and hanging for the remorse phase. Even though it was Ex that was doing the hurting, he was the only one that could make it better. I needed the sorry and the “I love you”’s. That’s what I lived on, they are what made me feel better, and that’s what made me feel happy. That’s all I knew and that’s what I thought happy was.
Because we accept what we believe we deserve. And that’s where the problem lies. In the beginning, it was lots of good! Lots of fun and planning, babies, kids and career and a little of the bad. As time went on it become half and half but in the end and when I say end, I mean last couple of years. It was lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of anger and lots of bad and the good was few and very far between. I found myself trying harder, trying to be more like he wanted me to be and less who I really was. Slowly he was taking piece by piece of me. I guess now it’s a blessing, because it led me to finally leaving. And what I realize now is, it would never have mattered what I did or didn’t do, what I said or how I acted, because the problem was never me, the problem always did and does fall with him and the evil within.
I mentioned in my first post that there were two main reasons for me sharing my story. 1, to help my own healing process and 2, to get the message out there, to help anyone who may be going through or who has gone through something similar. If this relates to you, or someone you know, please don’t stay silent. There is strength in numbers, and we can all get through this together. We as sufferers have nothing to be ashamed of, and a million great things to look forward to. Please like, comment, share and talk about my message, and hopefully we can reach someone who may be needing some help and strength to start or keep going with their own healing journey. Also, please feel free to reach out to me if you are in need of a chat or support. It’s time for a change.
KNOW THE FACTS.
- 1 in 4 Australian women have experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner
- Women are at least 3 times more likely than men to experience violence by an intimate partner
- Women are 5 times more likely than men to require medical attention or hospitalisation as a result of intimate partner violence and 5 times more likely to report fearing for their lives
- Of those women who experience violence, more than half have children in their care